2 months on - where did the time go?

I can't believe it's 2 months since I last wrote a blog update, where December went is a mystery to me. All I remember is dark days, dark evenings and dark thoughts - I think people should have a hibernation option. I have to admit that being on my own (sorry Simba, you are wonderful really), I did succumb to some depression as I have real difficulties with the concept of simply 'being'. If I'm not killing myself to meet deadlines, or running around doing something 'constructive', I somehow feel guilty for existing. Lazing around, watching daytime TV, reading or just watching the world go by is wonderful if only I could get rid of the guilt demons.

The time of year also does not help as there's nothing you can really do in the garden which in December resembled a quagmire and it was too dismal to enjoy going walking, my polytunnel (read cheap & nasty plastic greenhouse) has now totally disintegrated so no indoor horticultural activities and when you're in that mindset, you can forget about learning a language.

On the bright side, I had a guest from the States who came to visit her family nearby for Christmas and then extended her stay to after New Year. That was a very welcome and much needed addition to the kitty.

Ian arrived on the 24th December and it was lovely to see him again, felt strange being with someone again after a month alone. Funny how slowly the time seemed to go day by day but how quickly it appeared to have gone retrospectively. Our Christmas was very quiet, we continued our recently started tradition (last year) by going for a long walk on Christmas Day, the weather was lovely, warm, blue skies, it was hard to remember it was Christmas. New Year was much the same but all too soon we had to discuss the future - immediate and long term. On the immediate side, he did have to go back and continue working until March in order to make enough to finish his extension, long term it seems that going back to the UK had been a real wake up call and he's now totally convinced that the grass is greener here and that our life together is what he wants. I just hope it stays that way. He's already booked the return trip for the 4th March.

Ian had managed to see my mother on his way to Portsmouth, she had been taken for respite care into a home in Southbourne and he had been shocked by her deterioration. He strongly advised me to go and see her for a few days and I'm really glad I did. I was able to help her settle back in to her home and it was just as well I didn't live too far away to be able to do that because social 'services' left a lot to be desired. She was picked up from the home and dropped off almost at a run as the Social Worker had meetings to go to, and had I not been there, it would have been to an unheated, un lived in for 3 weeks home with no provisions, no meal on wheels rebooked, no milk delivery rebooked - nothing. When taken to task, the explanation was that 'most old people have someone to come and and help', well I beg to differ - there have been enough cases of the elderly dying alone at home and not being discovered for weeks to prove that. Anyway she's now inundated with mobility aids, care workers (who don't even know how to heat up a meals on wheels tray), and is coping better than she expected. The bottom line being that coping home alone is infinitely better than being carted off to a home where the only way out is in a wooden box.

On my return, Ian took the ferry I came in on so we only had an hour together but it seems he missed me. So that's a good sign. Now apart from the atrocious weather - the ground's frozen solid for the last week, I'm in good spirits and awaiting the arrival of spring. Funny how much better that minute a day extra of day light can make you feel. It's just so frustrating not being able to get on with digging the field , so much to do before spring when I must sow the grass seeds in order to have some kind of recreational area for summer's guests. In the meantime I chat with the cat, feed the equine retirees in the next field with carrots and have stimulating conversations with them in broken french - must get out more! It was getting out more that almost ended in disaster a week ago. We'd had a snow fall and I decided that I was still going to the first meeting of the new Anglo/French club in Guemene regardless of weather. I drove slowly and carefully down to the main road, not slowly enough it appears because as I tried to stop at the road, I found myself spinning around and ended up on the

kerb. Luckily there were no other lunatics on the road so the car & I were unscathed. Close thing though. Very much shaken I continued to the meeting but as I was offered a lift back in a 4x4 I decided not to push my luck and left the car there. At least I knew that it would still have all wheels and glass in one piece and it wouldn't be a burnt out wreck when I returned. (It would have been if left in Bognor where I lived before.)

On the following day the snow was melting and I was preparing to walk into town to get the car when some friends rang and very kindly offered me a lift. Unfortunately the course of doing a good deed doesn't run any smoother than true love's. They couldn't start their van again once they got to me, I had no jump leads (with Ian's horsebox in UK) , so they had to take Ian's car, drop me off to pick up mine, drive back to their home, pick up their jump leads and car, return, and finally got the van going and went home. I bet they wished I'd walked.

That's another thing I'm waiting for better weather for - walking. I have to lose weight. I was mortified to discover when I bought some digital scales (how do they manage to sell them for only €10?) in the local supermarket that I had blown up to 84.1 kilos. So as I'm on my own and can please myself (with food), I'm on a healthy diet of fruit, veg, a little protein and no carbs after 5pm and so far it's working, even with little excercise I've lost 1.4 kilos in the last week. Yay! It should be even better once I get digging and walking - Ian won't recognise me in March. So that just about brings me up to date.